For me, this was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding lessons that I’ve learned in my life. When I met my first Mistress, I wanted to be with Her always. I was in the midst of a difficult divorce and facing a lot of emotional challenges.
I had moved out of a house filled with kids, a spouse, pets. Suddenly, I was on my own in a small apartment for hours at a time. I hated it. I wanted to be near someone.
So when my Mistress entered my life, I found myself with the ultimate distraction. Someone who would indulge my inner deviant, appreciated my early efforts at service and talked with me. We would eat out, we would see movies, we would go to kinky events.
I began to make new friends, Her friends. When we weren’t together, I busied myself with work and learning as much as I could about my new role as Her submissive.
Gradually, though, I came to find myself with more and more time alone. Sending me home became one of Her regular tools to discipline and train me, precisely because She knew I disliked it so much.
The problem that being on my own created wasn’t loneliness though. Sure, the silence and emptiness around me felt alien and strange. They were symptoms though, not the illness itself. No, what haunted me about being on my own was that it left me there with little but my thoughts.
I was a broken man, and like most men, I was a fool when it came to my emotions. They scared me. My self-loathing, my fear of the future, and of course the immense guilt that I felt over blowing up a marriage that on the outside (and in many ways on the inside) appeared healthy and strong.
Most of us men hide from our feelings any time we can. We busy ourselves with work, hobbies, sports on TV, grabbing another beer from the fridge, pursuing sex, and whatever else we can find to distract ourselves from the unhappiness we feel inside.
Being by myself, I had no choice but to stare down the intense feelings inside me. I hated myself and who I was then. Today, I love myself and appreciate who I am, an imperfect man working on growing and becoming healthier.
I owe this change to a handful of amazing women – my Mistresses and a really good therapist. I also owe it to myself. I say myself because I chose to embrace the opportunity to be by myself, choosing to be self-critical in a healthy way.
I learned to recognize when I felt depressed or frustrated. I began asking myself why I was feeling that way. What was at play inside my head and my heart when I felt broken or lost or hopeless.
I unpacked a lot in conversations with these women, but I did most of the real work on my own, when no one else and nothing else was there to distract me. I found a healthier perspective on my faults, learning to acknowledge them and to disarm them.
I also learned to view people without so much emotional baggage – at least from my perspective. I am flawed and so are they. We mostly try to do right, but our own inner struggles knock us off that path from time to time. We are all selfish beings, eager to find satisfaction and happiness for ourselves.
For myself, I had held so much anger inside me. I slowly began to unwind the hurt that lay beneath it. I came to find peace with the things that had left me so pissed off. Sure there were new frustrations, but I began to process them better and more quickly.
I’m still not the man I hope to be, but I’m getting there. I am learning to appreciate life for what it is and to take pleasure in the experiences that I have and in simple interactions with other people. I am discovering the joy in simple things rather than hurting over things I wish I had.
This is peace, contentment and often happiness. Sure, things could always be better, but they will never be as perfect as I could wish them to be. That doesn’t mean they aren’t still good and that I can’t appreciate and even celebrate my life as it is.
Yes, it hurt. At times I felt even more alone than I thought possible. I also would remind myself that it wouldn’t last. The pain I felt would fade, and I could always choose to step away at any time. The TV remote sat only a few feet away. I also knew that I wouldn’t find myself and my future unless I forced myself to take a long hard look.
All of this came through silence, through calm and through reflection. None of those would have been possible had I not been alone and had I not chosen to face quiet moments with a commitment toward finding fulfillment with myself. By letting go of the distractions, I found a greater truth about myself within myself.
I am a better submissive and a better man because I saw this simple truth: Being alone is not a burden. It’s a gift.